It is Time

How did we get here? How did we get to the point that instead of the free world becoming a utopia of ever increasing knowledge and diversity it is rapidly descending into a dystopia defined by hatred and ignorance? I don’t need to debate bullshit that the alt right is peddling to manufacture consent… It’s not like Democrat or Republican actually fucking mean anything…

What does mean something is that multinational corporations and billionaires have been allowed to convince us that our enemy is a little brown man harvesting vegetable on a farm for 45¢ a bushel. Or a refugee family from a war-torn shithole our own nations have been bombing for the last few years…. How stupid are we? how gullible, uneducated, easily fucking goaded into believing lies and acting out of violence? when the really enemy of prosperity and peace is sitting behind a big wooden desk rubbing their hands together at our disunity and controllability….

I guarantee you there is not one of those assholes in the White House or Parliament Hill that gives a fuck about you, whether you live or die. the only value you have to any of them is as a resource, the same value as a tree in a stand of timber or a barrel of oil. You work for them, produce for them, you live and die for them. all the little dreams and fantasies you have of making it, they have given you so you would continue to produce…. And when you are sick they take whatever you have left and place it in their coffers as they promise you cures/extended life through their corporate medicine… Your worth almost as much sick as you are as a working resource (now they get to take it all back)…..

We have all been played our entire lives. We don’t even know what we want, they told us what we wanted, and we believe it to be true… And now we are willing to kill, harm, and subjugate those they tell is are taking what we want away…

Please wake up…. It is time…..

I could ramble on about human genetics and our species being one of the least genetically diverse species on the planet due to past genetic bottle necks… but really what that means is we are all the fucking same!
Skin colour,
it doesn’t fucking mean anything… At some point in the last 100,000 or so years we were all part of a very small population of homo-sapiens that survived a near extinction event …. So why the fuck are we so determined to concentrate on the physical and philosophical differences between us? Divide and conquer. Amazing tribalism’s oldest propaganda tool has such a grand hold of our psyche. is so effective in getting us to comply and do the bidding of kings even if it is against what is ultimately in our best interest…

It is time

Alternative facts and Post-truth politics
With the information age I always hoped a greater enlightenment would take hold. the access to information and the knowledge of our greatest human thinkers is unprecedented, our ability to connect and understand the concepts and cultures across the planet unimaginable only decades before. no longer are we small ignorant tribes isolated by geography. we finally can be a human village instead of fragmented warring tribes. So why hasn’t that happened? why instead has our technology simply become another method for kings to pilfer our resources and peddle their desires? why has it become a new medium in which for us to voice our hatred? reinforce our own beliefs by only reading information with self confirming bias? There are forces controlling what we have access to, what is being fed to us on our news feeds… but why are we not questioning these transparent doctrines we are being spoon fed? surely I can not be the only one that questions everything I read  as to it validity sources and intended purpose. Surely I can not be the only one that recognises when my browsing history and new feed preferences are being tailored to illicit emotive responses and that cloud rational analysis?

We are not taught ration critical thinking skills in school for a reason, but most of us still have them. is it intellectual laziness that prevents the majority from using them? or is it the fear doctrine that we have been cultivated in over a lifetime?  fear of change,  fear of responsibility, fear of the unknown alternatives to what we have now…..

Things can indeed be far better then they are now, but that is not going to come from the actions of a elected leader within the current construct of corporate capitalist government…. Their goals are only what best suites themselves and furthering their control and your compliance, furthering their share in your resource…. they are not going to improve the quality of your life, your children’s lives, only your productivity with whatever slight of hand and mouth persuades you…

It is time

The level of corruption and incompetence is more transparent than it has been in sometime. The use of the media as a method of redesigning what is truth has never been so prolific and so easily identified, and yet it is dividing the masses and distracting them far more effectively than it ever has… one can not help but refer back to nazi germany …. the Big Lie

Are we on the precipice of a downward spiral into the type of dystopian society born of nightmares had by orwell and huxely?

I think we have been living those nightmares for quiet sometime.. But as world resources shrink, populations grow, as climate change, ocean acidification, and all the other unnatural forces of our own making bear-down upon us, things are going to be much worse than even orwell could have imagined… leaders who want to maintain their power, lifestyle, and that of the rich are going to guarantee it. And by setting us against each other we are losing sight of our future and the possibility of reclaiming it for our children.

It is time to face the real enemy, it is time to change the world, save the world, save ourselves and all those things we love. To make this world not only sustainable but liveable. we have it in our ability, we have it within our grasp.. But if we continue to allow these men to lead us for their own benefit, to lie and undermine our intelligence and our possibilities…

We can not…

It is time to get off your ass, get out there and make the world what it should be.

Fight the real enemy!



Polarization,and neofascism in the new century

aka Tribalism in the new century

Well here we are, 2017 6 Muslims murdered, 17 Jewish synagogues and daycare centres shut down by bomb threats, mass demonstrations, hundreds detained at airports across the US, and an unapologetic demagogue derailing the US constitution, dividing his country in the most tactless manner.

So where does that leave us? I’m canadian so what can I? should I do? I’m a quite certain I know what the answer from the Alt right citizens of america would be… what they would tell me to do…. And believe me no one anywhere would be happier right now if the US existed in a bubble where its current dangerous, horrific policies did not affect other nations, particularity mine… But as the slaughter of 6 Muslims in Quebec drew gory attention to (being as the perpetrator was a white nationalist, who espoused support for trump, as well as other alt right anti immigrant politicians) What happens in the US has profound effects in the countries of its neighbours, allies, and indeed the world at large. Canada too has experienced an empowerment of the alt right racist nationalist in our country due to the trump effect. not just in the circles of extremism, but in the daily lives of “ordinary” Canadians the increased xenophobic dialogue, individuals that now feel comfortable expressing all sorts of “opinions” (and ‘i put that in parenthesis not because I want to draw attention to the word in specific, but because hate speech is not just a simple opinion, its something that doesn’t only damage the targeted individuals self-esteem, but can lead violence that results in injury even murder of the targeted group/individual) towards a specific group of people, religions and indeed skin tones….

Racism is not new to Canada, nor would I imagine any part of the world. Tribalism it seems is evolutionarily ingrained into human beings…..sadly….However that does not give tribalism (or as many define it racism) a free pass to be an accepted part of our society and everyday lives. indeed it should be the impetuous for us to make all efforts to overcome such destructive behaviour. if you read socio-biological studies about rapes role throughout human history, it becomes clear that in more primitive paleo societies it was not viewed as the heinous crime it is now. I don’t think many of us would argue that this moral advancement in our society and behaviour was a positive one (and if you don’t believe that, feel free to send me an email and I will gladly forward it to creep catchers and the police) Like rape, tribalism is an evolutionary hang-over that we should all be actively fighting against, both in ourselves and in our societies. I feel any person with the slightest bit of humanity would feel the same….. but they don’t, we as a collective don’t. we excuse justify and enable… Does that make many of us amoral barbarians? (part of me screams yes. the part of me that rages at the Muslims hating posts that have appeared on several media stories about the 6 killed in quebec) however I think it has a deeper cause , a permission within our society that has allowed it to flourish unchecked well beyond its evolutionary usefulness… and Trump is a prime example of how this has happened. Tribalism is a tool for governments corporations, and indeed even village councils (trying to increase attendance at local events) to aquire and maintain your support….

Used for centuries by kings to gather the serfs behind the march of armies conquering new lands, it is still used with the same effectiveness on our modern populations. its breadth has been extended in to the daily consumption, brand loyalty and preference. I have even found myself falling prey to this in the android vs apple wars as I prefer androids more open platform (although learning today that google had given 14+ million in political donations during the election with the lions share going to the republican party has tainted my brand loyalty a good deal)…. So we are bombarded daily with tribalistic messages “buy this because we made it”, “do this because you are like us and that’s what we do”…. not to mention we are raised in environments where nationalism is how we start our day, followed by school loyal sporting events, team allegiances… it’s endless and non-stop to the point where very few even notice it, and find themselves participating in it with rapt enthusiasm….. Go canucks….. even socially we are broken down into ideological and gender based tribes, women’s coffee groups, mens poker night, big hair, no hair, old, young…… all-pervasive… so why should it come as a surprise that all this tribalism then manifests based on colour and religion. we are programmed for it, and one starts to wonder if there is even a way to break its influence. of course power structures and corporate entities have no desire because their empires are built on maintaining our primal tribal instinct.

As for nationalist/populous/protectionism…..We are such easy prey for this programming. natural human inclinations to shift responsibility from ourselves (or those that control us) for our misfortunes, makes it easy to set us against each other, rather than putting the blame where it belongs. job loss and weak economies are entirely caused by bad governmental decisions/regulations and corporate entities that siphon wealth from the land and people, yet being as we feel powerless against these forces, we are much more easily swayed to blaming those we can do something about.. (of course this leads us down exactly the path we are on now building walls and killing innocent people)

My conclusion is one of complete defeat on sadness on many levels. what does this continuing era of xenophobia and hatred mean for us? it means that we can only hope that profit comes before insanity, and the leaders of our new world see it as unprofitable to continue to exploit tribalism for personal gain and power (because we the completely inducted population will not likely have the will to resist our own tribalistic programming) that they realise they will make more money, have more power if they consolidate us into one large consuming tribe, rather than divide us into war…..

What can I do? should I do? Well I would love to see us truly examine, with honestly, humility, and compassion, our motivations for engaging in hatred and blaming. I would like to think it is possible if we understand our weakness and lack of self-determination we can overcome our own natural instincts, much the way we have outgrown rape culture (for the most part). We need a good dose of logical, rational, self-criticism as a society, as well as individuals. Beyond that we need to stop hiding under excuses and fears, we need to take on the worst in ourselves, and confront the worst in others. Don’t just stand there when someone says “I fucking hate indians” don’t just look or walk away when someone makes jokes about bindi dots and curry, when someone berates Muslims, or suggests someone shouldn’t be allowed to be here. By silence you are giving permission, and if you sit down and have a coffee with that person the next day, you are in fact enabling them. you see, you are part of their tribe and by your silence you are assumed to be agreeing with them…. I know I have done this as well, and now regret every time i did not speak up. Because I am part of the culture that allowed a 27-year-old white nationalist to walk into a mosque and take 6 innocent lives… I am complicit in his crimes, and so are you….

the light

I can’t help notice
No light in our eyes
In our eyes


Dreams mean nothing, in a predictive sense, your subconscious trying to say something to you? I know things that bother me pushed to the side often rear their ugly heads in my dreams over and over again. I used to have nightmares nearly every night but as age eats away at my cerebral cortex, brain activity slowing, the nightmares have gone from horror to a repetitive mundaneness that almost equals the horror of dead bodies and tsunamis.


Last nights dream was no exception.


background on the situation i created, that eats at me nearly everyday….


Sometime 23 years ago i feel in love. deeply madly take my breath away love. I am not ordinary, neither was he. it was a struggle for a few years to find a way through all our hang ups, apprehension and oddities. we never really found our way through those but found a way to be, despite them. there were some of the best times in my life and there were many bad times, there was never much communication about emotions. I liked to over communicate, he didn’t like to express his emotions at all. I was over emotive he dealt with mine and his own emotions but shutting down. I was plagued by my own madness, to much feeling and to little control. I would stray in an effort to find some happy place to take comfort, but ultimately I loved him too much to ever wander to far. His resentment built and every indiscretion I had traversed he held against me (I can’t say I blame him, but I sometimes resented his resentment. like a lizard eating its tail we spun around and around)


The city was killing both of us. his job was awful, my world was isolated and  dark. we had during this time healed some wounds but i think underneath it all the cuts were still deep and salted. Our new home away from it all helped, finances were tight (and that came to play a greater role in my psychological state later on) but the world was a little newer, we could both pursue our interests with a little more freedom and for the most part life was good. as mentioned in the previous post my mothers cancer returned and things became darker in my world once again. I gave up my job to care for her. we were living on the left overs of my inheritance from my grandfather. it didn’t last very long (there wasn’t much to begin with)  losing my mother changed my whole world , I had never felt alone and now i felt naked and exposed stranded, i realized i no longer had anyone to catch me when i fell… i wanted to think he would catch me, but i was unsure he even loved me, he never said it on his own (without my instigation that i remember anyway). …

I guess it all comes down to what i wanted him to be and what he was weren’t the same thing, and i never stopped expecting him to act and be someone he wasn’t.

None of the shit that transpired between then and the end really matters much, not to me, not anymore… actually none of the bad shit matters at all. life is far to short to let any of it matter much… i got the sense (and maybe my sense was wrong, i’ve never had much) the feeling of a deep unhappiness inside him. his mental state felt dark, and i was in a dark place (I’m still there) everything compounded……. I felt more alone than ever…. being alone is ok, as a matter of fact i love being alone, feeling alone is another beast entirely: that empty void where your thoughts and ideas  just drift off into nothing.  those days when you cant get out of bed and you know that no one gives a shit if you do, even you…..


Since my mothers death I couldn’t stand the uncomfortableness of being, some days an intolerable loneliness some days apathy without bounds.  my expectations have always been unrealistic i suppose the feeling that he should have surrounded me with love and pulled me out of my darkness was unfair. he had never been that person. instead we sunk together. I would cry myself to sleep on occasion but I wouldn’t call for him because i feared his disdain.  i resented him and his feelings and perhaps i blamed him for my own. so I became hard on the outside, and cold on the inside. i think i needed to be for my own sanity but it certain didn’t help anything in our relationship. I began to think we had become toxic to one another. i just wanted some light,  wanted to feel loved.  i needed strength and couldn’t seem to muster any on my own.


I met someone here, i’d known them for a while but hadn’t spent much time with them. they were always happy to see me, paid me compliments and made me feel special. and as much as I hate to admit it to myself…. to anyone… i think what i was hoping for was an opportunity to try and break the darkness that had encompassed me and my relationship. I had felt for a while that i would not be able to end my relationship  on my own. I had thought of a separation for us to get our heads together, for me to find some sanity and strength in myself. but honestly i knew and still know that the depth of my love for him was going to make this one of the most difficult things i had ever done in my life. i couldn’t do it on my own. 


Do i sound like i was a little confused?


i was trying to crawl out of my skin


The hardest thing I’ve ever done.


I mean being alive is really the hardest thing we will ever do. life is a continual process of loss, and learning to cope with that loss, continue, not cope. i’m not sure that many of us really cope, we forget we overlook we regret and we lament…… makes you wonder what the hell coping is. ignore that is what we do. ignore the pain ignore the hate ignore as much as we can so we can optimistically look forward trying not think about what we will lose tomorrow. coping … ha! sticking our heads up our ass is coping….


The hardest thing I’ve ever done… I suppose the worst of it was the lie. I knew i was lying, not like those lies we discover later when we realize we were lying to ourselves. no this was a intentional lie because I couldn’t face all the uncomfortableness of telling the truth. I wasn’t even sure I could make the truth make sense and afraid that i would become a coward and back out of it before i even managed to make it make sense. a lie was so much easier. I told him I wasn’t in love with him anymore, that i was falling in love with someone else. the truth was I did love him, probably as much as the day I met him although the passion had dissipated the love never had.  i was in love with the idea of being in love with someone else because it  made it easier. but it wasn’t easy.


i had to stay away from our house as much as possible just so i wouldn’t turn around and collapse begging forgiveness. he was so angry and so hurt and i felt so awful, so confused. i was hurting, but i had to stick to my conviction, i had to do this, i’m not even sure why. and perhaps i become less certain of why as i have gained more distance.  with that distance comes the questions i should have asked then, that i have no answers for now. with distance comes perspective, with  perspective comes understanding? someone told me that,  but exactly when does the understanding come in?


I still feel awful, maybe that is why it haunts me everyday.  i hurt him a few times over the years and i wish i could make him understand that i i never wanted to, tried to, but i was hurting and  he ended up being collateral damage as i frantically thrashed around trying to find a way to stop the emotional pain. I think one perspective i have gained is that maybe i will never stop trashing. seems i just trade one tragic state for another.

The dream I had last night was like all the others and probably not worth wasting text explaining. it all comes down to my emotions.


i miss him terribly i can’t help it. there was never anyone else i could relate to. he tolerated my darkness more than think anyone else could. we were alone together and i realize now that is how i like it. i don’t want someone who puts me on a pedestal and makes me the center of their universe. i want to be in my own universe and have someone in a parallel universe i can share things with… through a worm hole…… what my dreams tell me is; i think i fucked up, my choice was wrong. in an effort  to find some modicum of happiness, to crawl out of the darkness, i destroyed the one thing that brought some light into a darkness i will most likely never escape . and to be truthful i think the only thing that i have learned in my last year of searching myself and my dreams is….. stop trying to crawl out.


The thing about realizing i fucked up is that there is no fixing it…… its  just another stone along the pathway of loss that will culminate in the lights going out forever… no wormhole, no parallel universe no one to be lonely with…….. i would never ask him to forgive me, i would never beg or ask him to come back . in a long line of mistakes this one had a finality to it that leaves me feeling it  can never be undone…… i can only imagine how much he resents me now……


I just wish i could at least tell him, be honest and maybe open some communication about it. although what would that accomplish i am uncertain. most likely it doesn’t really matter. i not sure what does anymore.


back to the darkness.