It is Time

How did we get here? How did we get to the point that instead of the free world becoming a utopia of ever increasing knowledge and diversity it is rapidly descending into a dystopia defined by hatred and ignorance? I don’t need to debate bullshit that the alt right is peddling to manufacture consent… It’s not like Democrat or Republican actually fucking mean anything…

What does mean something is that multinational corporations and billionaires have been allowed to convince us that our enemy is a little brown man harvesting vegetable on a farm for 45¢ a bushel. Or a refugee family from a war-torn shithole our own nations have been bombing for the last few years…. How stupid are we? how gullible, uneducated, easily fucking goaded into believing lies and acting out of violence? when the really enemy of prosperity and peace is sitting behind a big wooden desk rubbing their hands together at our disunity and controllability….

I guarantee you there is not one of those assholes in the White House or Parliament Hill that gives a fuck about you, whether you live or die. the only value you have to any of them is as a resource, the same value as a tree in a stand of timber or a barrel of oil. You work for them, produce for them, you live and die for them. all the little dreams and fantasies you have of making it, they have given you so you would continue to produce…. And when you are sick they take whatever you have left and place it in their coffers as they promise you cures/extended life through their corporate medicine… Your worth almost as much sick as you are as a working resource (now they get to take it all back)…..

We have all been played our entire lives. We don’t even know what we want, they told us what we wanted, and we believe it to be true… And now we are willing to kill, harm, and subjugate those they tell is are taking what we want away…

Please wake up…. It is time…..

I could ramble on about human genetics and our species being one of the least genetically diverse species on the planet due to past genetic bottle necks… but really what that means is we are all the fucking same!
Skin colour,
it doesn’t fucking mean anything… At some point in the last 100,000 or so years we were all part of a very small population of homo-sapiens that survived a near extinction event …. So why the fuck are we so determined to concentrate on the physical and philosophical differences between us? Divide and conquer. Amazing tribalism’s oldest propaganda tool has such a grand hold of our psyche. is so effective in getting us to comply and do the bidding of kings even if it is against what is ultimately in our best interest…

It is time

Alternative facts and Post-truth politics
With the information age I always hoped a greater enlightenment would take hold. the access to information and the knowledge of our greatest human thinkers is unprecedented, our ability to connect and understand the concepts and cultures across the planet unimaginable only decades before. no longer are we small ignorant tribes isolated by geography. we finally can be a human village instead of fragmented warring tribes. So why hasn’t that happened? why instead has our technology simply become another method for kings to pilfer our resources and peddle their desires? why has it become a new medium in which for us to voice our hatred? reinforce our own beliefs by only reading information with self confirming bias? There are forces controlling what we have access to, what is being fed to us on our news feeds… but why are we not questioning these transparent doctrines we are being spoon fed? surely I can not be the only one that questions everything I read  as to it validity sources and intended purpose. Surely I can not be the only one that recognises when my browsing history and new feed preferences are being tailored to illicit emotive responses and that cloud rational analysis?

We are not taught ration critical thinking skills in school for a reason, but most of us still have them. is it intellectual laziness that prevents the majority from using them? or is it the fear doctrine that we have been cultivated in over a lifetime?  fear of change,  fear of responsibility, fear of the unknown alternatives to what we have now…..

Things can indeed be far better then they are now, but that is not going to come from the actions of a elected leader within the current construct of corporate capitalist government…. Their goals are only what best suites themselves and furthering their control and your compliance, furthering their share in your resource…. they are not going to improve the quality of your life, your children’s lives, only your productivity with whatever slight of hand and mouth persuades you…

It is time

The level of corruption and incompetence is more transparent than it has been in sometime. The use of the media as a method of redesigning what is truth has never been so prolific and so easily identified, and yet it is dividing the masses and distracting them far more effectively than it ever has… one can not help but refer back to nazi germany …. the Big Lie

Are we on the precipice of a downward spiral into the type of dystopian society born of nightmares had by orwell and huxely?

I think we have been living those nightmares for quiet sometime.. But as world resources shrink, populations grow, as climate change, ocean acidification, and all the other unnatural forces of our own making bear-down upon us, things are going to be much worse than even orwell could have imagined… leaders who want to maintain their power, lifestyle, and that of the rich are going to guarantee it. And by setting us against each other we are losing sight of our future and the possibility of reclaiming it for our children.

It is time to face the real enemy, it is time to change the world, save the world, save ourselves and all those things we love. To make this world not only sustainable but liveable. we have it in our ability, we have it within our grasp.. But if we continue to allow these men to lead us for their own benefit, to lie and undermine our intelligence and our possibilities…

We can not…

It is time to get off your ass, get out there and make the world what it should be.

Fight the real enemy!



Polarization,and neofascism in the new century

aka Tribalism in the new century

Well here we are, 2017 6 Muslims murdered, 17 Jewish synagogues and daycare centres shut down by bomb threats, mass demonstrations, hundreds detained at airports across the US, and an unapologetic demagogue derailing the US constitution, dividing his country in the most tactless manner.

So where does that leave us? I’m canadian so what can I? should I do? I’m a quite certain I know what the answer from the Alt right citizens of america would be… what they would tell me to do…. And believe me no one anywhere would be happier right now if the US existed in a bubble where its current dangerous, horrific policies did not affect other nations, particularity mine… But as the slaughter of 6 Muslims in Quebec drew gory attention to (being as the perpetrator was a white nationalist, who espoused support for trump, as well as other alt right anti immigrant politicians) What happens in the US has profound effects in the countries of its neighbours, allies, and indeed the world at large. Canada too has experienced an empowerment of the alt right racist nationalist in our country due to the trump effect. not just in the circles of extremism, but in the daily lives of “ordinary” Canadians the increased xenophobic dialogue, individuals that now feel comfortable expressing all sorts of “opinions” (and ‘i put that in parenthesis not because I want to draw attention to the word in specific, but because hate speech is not just a simple opinion, its something that doesn’t only damage the targeted individuals self-esteem, but can lead violence that results in injury even murder of the targeted group/individual) towards a specific group of people, religions and indeed skin tones….

Racism is not new to Canada, nor would I imagine any part of the world. Tribalism it seems is evolutionarily ingrained into human beings…..sadly….However that does not give tribalism (or as many define it racism) a free pass to be an accepted part of our society and everyday lives. indeed it should be the impetuous for us to make all efforts to overcome such destructive behaviour. if you read socio-biological studies about rapes role throughout human history, it becomes clear that in more primitive paleo societies it was not viewed as the heinous crime it is now. I don’t think many of us would argue that this moral advancement in our society and behaviour was a positive one (and if you don’t believe that, feel free to send me an email and I will gladly forward it to creep catchers and the police) Like rape, tribalism is an evolutionary hang-over that we should all be actively fighting against, both in ourselves and in our societies. I feel any person with the slightest bit of humanity would feel the same….. but they don’t, we as a collective don’t. we excuse justify and enable… Does that make many of us amoral barbarians? (part of me screams yes. the part of me that rages at the Muslims hating posts that have appeared on several media stories about the 6 killed in quebec) however I think it has a deeper cause , a permission within our society that has allowed it to flourish unchecked well beyond its evolutionary usefulness… and Trump is a prime example of how this has happened. Tribalism is a tool for governments corporations, and indeed even village councils (trying to increase attendance at local events) to aquire and maintain your support….

Used for centuries by kings to gather the serfs behind the march of armies conquering new lands, it is still used with the same effectiveness on our modern populations. its breadth has been extended in to the daily consumption, brand loyalty and preference. I have even found myself falling prey to this in the android vs apple wars as I prefer androids more open platform (although learning today that google had given 14+ million in political donations during the election with the lions share going to the republican party has tainted my brand loyalty a good deal)…. So we are bombarded daily with tribalistic messages “buy this because we made it”, “do this because you are like us and that’s what we do”…. not to mention we are raised in environments where nationalism is how we start our day, followed by school loyal sporting events, team allegiances… it’s endless and non-stop to the point where very few even notice it, and find themselves participating in it with rapt enthusiasm….. Go canucks….. even socially we are broken down into ideological and gender based tribes, women’s coffee groups, mens poker night, big hair, no hair, old, young…… all-pervasive… so why should it come as a surprise that all this tribalism then manifests based on colour and religion. we are programmed for it, and one starts to wonder if there is even a way to break its influence. of course power structures and corporate entities have no desire because their empires are built on maintaining our primal tribal instinct.

As for nationalist/populous/protectionism…..We are such easy prey for this programming. natural human inclinations to shift responsibility from ourselves (or those that control us) for our misfortunes, makes it easy to set us against each other, rather than putting the blame where it belongs. job loss and weak economies are entirely caused by bad governmental decisions/regulations and corporate entities that siphon wealth from the land and people, yet being as we feel powerless against these forces, we are much more easily swayed to blaming those we can do something about.. (of course this leads us down exactly the path we are on now building walls and killing innocent people)

My conclusion is one of complete defeat on sadness on many levels. what does this continuing era of xenophobia and hatred mean for us? it means that we can only hope that profit comes before insanity, and the leaders of our new world see it as unprofitable to continue to exploit tribalism for personal gain and power (because we the completely inducted population will not likely have the will to resist our own tribalistic programming) that they realise they will make more money, have more power if they consolidate us into one large consuming tribe, rather than divide us into war…..

What can I do? should I do? Well I would love to see us truly examine, with honestly, humility, and compassion, our motivations for engaging in hatred and blaming. I would like to think it is possible if we understand our weakness and lack of self-determination we can overcome our own natural instincts, much the way we have outgrown rape culture (for the most part). We need a good dose of logical, rational, self-criticism as a society, as well as individuals. Beyond that we need to stop hiding under excuses and fears, we need to take on the worst in ourselves, and confront the worst in others. Don’t just stand there when someone says “I fucking hate indians” don’t just look or walk away when someone makes jokes about bindi dots and curry, when someone berates Muslims, or suggests someone shouldn’t be allowed to be here. By silence you are giving permission, and if you sit down and have a coffee with that person the next day, you are in fact enabling them. you see, you are part of their tribe and by your silence you are assumed to be agreeing with them…. I know I have done this as well, and now regret every time i did not speak up. Because I am part of the culture that allowed a 27-year-old white nationalist to walk into a mosque and take 6 innocent lives… I am complicit in his crimes, and so are you….

This monkeys gone to heaven

Or that monkey.

We know today many many monkeys went to heaven… well ceased to exist. Along with all their dreams thoughts and secrets…. Interesting thing to contemplate the idea that one day everything you are thinking now, all the nightmares you had last night, those emotions that feel as though they are about to rip your throat right out of your chest will simply be gone and as such cease to matter , begging the question how much do they matter now?… Or maybe you don’t find it interesting, maybe you find it frightening  and would think me morbid for casually tossing thoughts of death around my brain. But where I am in my mind its not morbid at all, raised a Buddhist may have helped. death simply is. its a end point on a journey we will all take to fear death is to fear living because it is the inevitable conclusion of the later. Thats not to say the death of someone in my sphere doesn’t impact me, of course in my past blogs I think it quite evident I was greatly impacted by the death of my mother. And after all these 6 years with out her there still exists a hole, perviously filled with comfort love and familiarity, that lies empty, and probably always will. the raw sadness fades but the hollow will always remain.


Which is what brings me to my thought train of the new year. On the 29th of dec one of my dearest friends lost her father and it brought about a reflection (in an effort to try and express some comfort in the face of the ultimate discomfort) I being much further along in my process of grieving…. not sure if I like that term the grieving process, adds a mechanical element to it that I don’t believe in anyway comes close to describing it. it is not mechanical or logical and not really a defined process at all, more like a struggle against the very basic emotional being, a battle of wills between the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex. its a mess and no mechanism employed by our rational selves makes it a methodical “process”….


The comfort and advise I offered her was edited down from what I was actually thinking, but I do understand that there are the basic elements described in all those pamphlets you get about grieving that are true of all of us. We do seem to all experience roughly the same range of emotions when dealing with this loss. Currently she is in the anger stage… yes we all go there…the shock… the denial… the anger….etc…..


I have always viewed grieving as a slightly narcissistic emotional indulgence, yes my own grieving I view this way as well. it is very much about self. If you are to look at it from a purely analytical view point what are we truly grieving, where and why is there that hollow space (of course not believing in god or an afterlife I am not looking at the idea that our loved ones are still feeling or thinking anything) The person is gone , their suffering their happiness are now immaterial. our sense of loss is our empty chairs at the table, the  missing number on speed dial. one less ear to bend one less voice to make us laugh, all our personal experiences now have on less element enriching them, we are in fact grieving for ourselves and all those now missing things in our lives. this has actually helped me a good deal in the last couple of years not because it stops me from feeling any of these things but because I have a perspective on it. my mother had a long death of suffering and though she did not want to die there must have been some acknowledgement of the fact the pain was going away for good during those last breaths. She was ready to die at the end and I think simply because she did not want to continue to live as she was. but that is probably why we all are ready for death at the end, those of us that have the long downward spiral, perhaps not those sudden death victims, then there really isn’t any time to prepare.  thats it the though, dead don’t care. our grief is immaterial to their non existence and we can’t fool ourselves that the tears we cry in anyway are of benefit or solace to them, they are for us and about us, those left behind to find our new path without them….. of course even if it is mostly narcissism it doesn’t make any difference to the fact that we feel it.

That leads me to the next train i hoped… loss of trust in reality….Interestingly enough  i have never read in any of these pamphlets about the loss of trust and sense of betrayal …. maybe these are at the root of a lot of the grieving we do….


My father believed in magic, I mean not just card tricks and dragons, but really believed that human beings had some special energy they could use to direct the course of reality astral projection,  ESP, telekinesis, he believed all these things were real. He believed he had had out of body experiences, he claimed all through my childhood that his mother “knew” things and could communicate with the spirit world…. as a young child I believed these things as well, but my questioning of the world lead me to abandon these ideas through lack of credible evidence and large doses of reality… reality… My father continued to believe right through to my mother death… I think he thought, no believed, that part of my mothers first remission was due to all the meditating and energy he directed towards healing her (not the reality that her immune system fought off the first round). Of course when she was diagnosed with a return of the cancer he worked himself into an otherworldly froth. you could tell that he was straining his inner being in an effort to bring some magical healing, that along with investigating every alternative medical option, which I decried bullshit loud enough I managed to stop a complete financial ruin from being visited upon them. The point… through all my fathers expenditure of energy and effort my mothers disease progressed in textbook fashion to its inevitable and unhappy conclusion. and as sad and traumatised as I was, I was no where near as ruined as my father. reality had betrayed him, everything he believed to be true was now brought into question, and it continued to be shattered in the months following my mothers death. because try as he may to reach out to her through meditation to receive some evidence that she had continued on a journey somewhere, nothing presented itself. there was no feeling of being loved, or being watched over no messages no comfort just the harsh reality that the woman he loved died a slow painful death and that nothing he did or could do was going to change that….  he no longer trusted reality to deliver the routine or the love he expected….


that is only one way in which we can experience the loss of trust in our world, I think it is one of many ways those who believe in anything can feel betrayed, but it goes far beyond that, even for those  of us that attempt to keep ourselves grounded in the rational….


We wake up each morning with expectations of how our reality is going to present itself. For me currently now unemployed I would expect I will start my day with a thick cup of coffee to keep me awake while I’m lighting the wood-stove. at some point closer to lunch time my daughter will crawl out of bed and proceed to bitch at me about the mess I’ve left in the kitchen…etc… of course everyday is different but your mind knows what is likely going to happen in a predictable order, you have tasks goals you know what the world looks like on the way to work, what the menu is at your favourite lunch spot….. or do you? what if all the houses disappeared on your morning drive? what if the sun didn’t rise, or the colour of sky was purple instead of blue. Loss of someone close is like waking up in an alternate reality, one where you can not trust that anything you know will actually be there.  an integral part of ever routine you had and everything you knew is no longer there. they say that your brain fills in gaps in your vision with information from previous experience to make a complete field of vision. well when someone dies its like those gaps in vision are no longer filled in. everything is full of holes and you don’t know where to walk… all of a sudden (or maybe not so suddenly) you can’t trust whether you or anyone else around you will wake up tomorrow, and well someone didn’t…… you not only question your own mortality and the mortality of all those around you but whether anything will remain the same because anyone of any of those you interact with may indeed die leaving yet more of the world not filled in… and there is a deep maybe unnoticed feeling of reality having actually betrayed you, not only can you no longer trust anything to be as it “should be” but it seems as though perhaps there was a malevolent intent from reality itself to undermine your happiness and security. If you can’t trust the world you wake up in everyday then wtf can you rely on?


Ultimately I don’t have any advice or any answers for anyone, just opinions and experience not any more valid than any other monkey. I do know I resent shopping for my own pjs because my mother always bought them for me for xmas,  having to go pyjama shopping means facing the fact that my reality no longer includes her and that I still have holes in my vision that will always be there.


I tell my daughter to appreciate the fact that I always buy her socks and pjs for xmas because one day she is going to have to buy her own and it will be allot more difficult than she thinks.


For those who lost the children and not the socks, I imagine those holes are sometimes so vast that you can’t see where your going and perhaps reality has ceased to exist entirely…

moment by moment

one foot in front of the other

until we fall off the edge we can no longer see….

to the person sitting in the darkness

Reading anti war essays today. a damn fine way to observe a day of glorifying war. I wear my white poppy with pride… in the name of reason and the measure of intellect that a few brave souls have displayed throughout history, in resistance to war and the ideas of imperialism and conquest…… many brilliant words have been written by literary icons  speaking out against the tyranny and idiocy that propels humanity into bloody conflict, and causes us to glorify the atrocities we commit against our own species, and the entire planet. Mark Twain, Earnest Hemingway, Ambrose Bierce… the list goes on. check this collection of anti war essays for some good counter to the endless stream of propaganda we endure in this season of celebrating death.

Listening to cakes cover of war pigs……

How many of us question the decisions made on our behalf? and of those that question how many take that inner dialog to vocalization? perhaps my  tainted view of mankind gets in the way of honest perception of our numbers, but I do know for certain it is not enough. To few of us dare to speak out against what we know is barbarism and the falsities used to justify it. Are the lies perpetuated by our leaders so effective that the majority of us are persuaded by them?  or are we in majority a species of cowards who would rather believe and behave as we are told than dare the intellectual dissidence against that which we know is wrong? do monkeys know it is wrong? is our instinct to war and combat so strong that we prefer a society founded on perpetual violence, exploitation and conquest, to that of mutual cooperation and peace?

willful ignorance, cognitive dissonance, itchy trigger finger, smoking gun, all are prisoners, wars are never won……

the language virus infects our actions, causes us to behave in erratic emotive ways. how angry someone can get over a concept they don’t even understand, its all in the words that are served in place of true understanding. the media is such a powerful tool for manipulation the minds and actions of (as mark twain put it) the dull masses. So clever are the visual salads they serve up with the repetitive entree of of carefully cooked language. although it is a tv dinner rather than a lobster bisque. concocted for those used to the blue collar menu of stale carnival corn dogs and deep fried mars bars.

the tool is always fear, the fear appeal, a shock doctrine. So many years of study and research put into population control, and does anyone question that they have had enormous success? why else would we be standing by while they take every illusion of freedom from us and allow them to take our money to create body piles  thousands of miles away. ISIL….. last year our heroes committing atrocities in Syria not only with our nations blessing, but with our weapons. now an enemy we will re-level iraq to destroy. same game, same bullshit, same complicity from the populations of the nations that are responsible for the whole mess in the first place…

(the Harper government is mulling over legislation that would make what I have said here today a crime because I am criticizing a warring system and showing antisocial anti government behavior that may make me prone to extremism…. WTF wake up Canada)

amazing that the canadians only needed the death of 2 soldiers to get its population beating the war drums. complete loss of context and perspective we now have the salt of our nation attacking mosques and berating Muslims at every opportunity… I see it every day working with the public. those dulled sullied masses whose idea of morality comes from the pages of a book of lies even more ridiculous than the ones they are being spoon fed by the government controlled media. a movable morality so weak and transparent that even the basic rules, like thou shalt not kill, only applies to beloved family members, as long as it is of benefit to maintain.

before I get myself into to much trouble from my ranting I will sign off as I could go on for days most likely, but to what avail?… (waves at csis with a friendly smile, asks “hows the blog? you likey?”)

Lest we forget that america funded and supported the Taliban, Al-Qaeda and ISIL.

Lest we forget all the unnecessary wars for profit… that all wars are unnecessary

Lest we forget that ideology and fear have been a weapon wielded by our leaders against us, leading to the slaughter of 100’s of millions of you and me’s

Lest we forget soldiers are not heroes they are tools of war and suppression

Lest we forget we are violent monkeys and still behave like it

patriotism the principle that will justify the training of wholesale murderers

-Leo Tolstoy

space looks very beautiful today

Last nights rain must have cleansed extra particular matter from the skies. the most beautiful blue between the cotton clouds.

Those moments, the bluest blues, the glint and shimmer, the smile of birds and the gentle sounds of their beating wings. these are the moments the fatalist in me takes note of. Remember this I tell myself, because one day there may be no birds. the sky may never be this blue again. Fatalism doesn’t have to be depressing although the condition of the world does have me living in a constant haze of depression, but fatalism can be somewhat liberating. I have an acute appreciation of every pleasantry i come across, every memory of what was and what is has some value because I see it all slipping away into a dark future fashion by human ignorance and greed.

I’ll let my inner misanthrope shine today because on the weekends, when i get time, i always slip into that mindset. maybe my mindless banausic job is of some benefit? if only because it robs me of time to actually think about the state of the world or analyze the actions of humanity around the globe… see capitalism works! it stupefies us all, leaves us without time or energy to  consider what is actually happening…

I have to admit I have begun to wallow in a place of inaction, not because I don’t care, but because it hurts to much to care openly, to try and fight the overwhelming sea of madness that is taking us to the brink… The fight seems to me entirely futile, no one is actually willing to sacrifice enough to stop the train barreling out of control. You see them paying lip service in public forums…. seems lip service is trending… but what has changed? 2013 the world pumped more carbon into the atmosphere than ever before, no one nation of any consequence had meaningful reductions in CO2… political inaction, industrial inaction, and individual inaction has lead us exactly down the worse case scenario path, as it has for the last 3 and a half decades (the time frame in which the public began to become aware of the dire nature of the problems)

(distraction moment: a small herd of deer eating apple leaves when i stepped out for a smoke just now. immense beauty in those gentle eyes. watching 3 generations  in the simple act of obtaining nourishment reminds me why life is so amazing… and inspires a great deal of anger as I watch the tiny buck with his little antler numbs just starting to form, knowing his future is at the receiving end of a hunters gun. Some fucker who will go on a serial killing spree next fall for the pure pleasure of taking a life…. wild animals don’t live long lives out here to many killer monkeys rampaging in the forests…. ok turn anger off, back to rant)

Are we worth saving?

I see this question pop up in a lot of the articles i read. the self preserving optimists always have a sentence somewhere in those meandering paragraphs stating they think we are… My response has always been why? What exactly makes us worth saving…i think the positive answers you see are motivated  simply by arrogance and selfishness.. (my opinion has always been popular.  i think i must enjoy being told to go fuck myself) How is one animal that is destroying an entire planet never mind an ecosystem worth saving. You see it on documentaries and in articles, the efforts to eradicating invasive species because of the damage the are perpetrating on ecosystems… we make cane toads and feral cats look like saints. there is not one ecosystem on the face of the planet that is not in peril because of us…. we are breeding ourselves into the ruin of everything and we can’t seem to stop ourselves… actually worse then some unseen force driving us to consume and reproduce like a rabbit or fruit fly… we are doing it consciously knowing exactly what the outcome is going to be, and we consciously have made a decision to not give a shit, to march straight off that cliff. the crime is, we are taking everything over that cliff with us. and then selfishly we ask if “WE” are worth saving?!   My answer….. NO!!!

We are so alone all 7 billion of us (thank you Ernest Cline you revolutionized my outlook)

7 billion…. lets think about 7 billion 264 million shall we (# courtesy of worldometer).. say I could fold 200 paper cranes a day/ 1400 per week/ 78,400 per year it would take me 92 thousand 653 years to fold a crane for every person on earth, and what would the population be by then?? i think 0 is a likely answer. We are all ready running a resource deficit, we have exceeded the global carrying capacity by several billion, we use 5 planet earths worth of resources every decade…. we are in serious overshoot…


People seem confused by that concept, for anyone slightly befuddled i will explain:  the earth can only produce so much every year, this includes biomass (hate that term but oh well) as well as non biological resources. each year the shear mass of humanity  consumes far more than the planet can produce in one year, so somewhere around the mid to beginning of august we enter what is call overshoot, where we are now dipping into the resources that the planet has produced over the last many millions of years. these past surpluses are limited however, they are finite and will likely not be replenished anytime in during humanities existence. so we are playing a game of continual diminishment. of course some resources like soil, our fresh water, once diminished create a cascade of further diminishing the earth ability to produce. shortening the time frame in which we enter overshoot. so we spiral down the drain faster and faster. lets add climate change, ocean acidification,  pollution  and the spreading scourge of urbanization to the mix. only place i have ended up, trying to consider all the things we are doing at once, is holy fuck… there is no other place to go, unless you are religious in mindset. in which case you go to your happy place, in the back of the closet, imagining some sick sky fairy is actually orchestrating this madness as some form of torture for sentient life….. and at some point he/she will flick the switch and say “ok i’m finished water boarding you all, lets have some paradise time”… really hope it brings you some comfort cause that god/heaven/Armageddon shit just pisses me off…. (more on that some other time)

The onion had a funny piece recently –>,36984/

But you know what it wasn’t funny because in many ways it rang very true. we pat ourselves on the back for a showing of solidarity about climate change when reality was that most of the world didn’t participate. those in the developing world, many without access to media, were too busy trying to survive that day. and the majority of us in the developed world didn’t give a shit…. when most of humanity is unable to, or actively doesn’t want change, how do a few thousand monkeys figure they are going to change things for everything and everyone? shear force of will? positive vibes? I wrote a rant the day of the big “climate march” it certainly wasn’t my finest, however the gist of it was that marching around with a sign changes nothing… never has never will. Standing up and being willing to die for what you believe in can have slightly more impact.. but when your enemy is yourself, and there are 7.2 billion more enemies at the gates…… well……

Anyway I lost my intended train of thought…. what inspired me to write was the very blue sky today, and with all the forest fires here this year the sky hasn’t been that blue for a good long while. I missed the blue, and i worry that we are heading to the day where my memories will be the only time i see that blue again… every bit of beauty i see in nature is tempered with sadness and fear, all of it is under threat, and all because some fucking monkeys don’t know how to behave….

good night for now

nothing in themselves


in an open prison

I think as I muddle through all of the junk mixing around in my head I have managed to actually start the process of discovering a few things. Of course it all keeps going back to the same root cause, which unfortunately seems a little one dimensional, but I don’t think i can manage to get away from it. life is full of trauma that creates all the idiosyncrasies that rule the daily decisions of individuals, some trauma has a greater impact than others  good or bad (hard to say if the damage that accumulates makes us wiser individuals, or just more paranoid screwed up ones)

on to the topic of dependency and the horror I felt watching it’s impact on my family.

I guess I’ll start with my childhood and my very strong mother, she seemed like a god of endless strength when I was a child. she held everything together and never seemed to fall apart. I was always much more like my father, even as a child: fanciful daydreamer ruled by my emotions. I listened to my mothers repeated teachings however. She always told me that no one could make me happy, that happiness came from inside of me. She wanted me to be a strong independent individual and repeatedly tried to make me understand that I had to be the one who looked after myself, that i wouldn’t find what I was looking for in other people. she was right of course, and maybe not an entirely original bit of sage advice but she was (to me) leading by example rather than just reiterating something she read in a self help paperback.

the perception of a child however doesn’t always understand the complete picture of what is real in life. my rose coloured kiddy glasses saw a a woman of unimaginable strength that was supporting a family through an maze of insanity and the creeping threats of poverty.  although that turned out in someways to be a lie it did help inspire my own feelings of self worth and desire for independence… or so i thought.

we are after all a social animal that is evolutionarily programmed to be dependent on our fellow monkeys, we don’t have the physical prowess or the biological tools to live completely  solitary of our species like a cougar or shark. we are physically weak compared to most of the animal kingdom, and rather vulnerable to the elements…. no claws or sharp teeth, and a rather pathetic coat of hair. We need each other to survive, herd, pack, group, whatever you want to call it. we can not survive alone therefore we are instinctively driven to seek one another out and form bonds (as inadequate and  as sloppy as our social skills are at keeping us peacefully cooperating )…

My mother and father were highly dependent on one another, i didn’t always see it but when my mother became sick the first time it was plainly exposed. her strong exterior became a paper husk that contained a weeping fragile mess. I acquired a new appreciation of the bond between them . I’d always seen my mother as putting up with my fathers antics and irresponsible dreaminess. I thought it was pure love that was responsible for her endless tolerance, now i saw a different side of the story. she needed him to hold her emotional state up when everything was sucking her down. his claims that he would die for her provided her with a security knowing she wasn’t alone and someone would care for her in  sickness or whatever….. all very heartening, but somewhat frightening too. i began to really think about how we were really all trapped by the same needs for security, and how being independent was a lie….. our entire society is constructed on co-dependence. how dependent we were on even simple things we can not control like our garbageman, our doctor, the guy down the street to shovel his sidewalk…

My relationship was struggling at this time. we had been separated  in the same house since my daughter was 1 .  i began to realized how much i needed him, not just needed but wanted to need. perhaps i was finding my own fragility. at the time this seemed like a good thing. i was ready to open up, wanted to invite him in. although i may have never admitted it, I had never really wanted too, being vulnerable has always made me very uncomfortable. other people (in my experiences right from early childhood) were not to be trusted and were horribly cruel. my defense  was to shut most people out, keep them in the outer ring of my person (this self preservation mechanism is still alive and well. one reason why I can exist without friends and human interaction for reasonably long periods of time) I was suddenly afraid however I would lose him forever and be alone…. really alone… and because the unknown outcome of my mothers disease the thought of losing both of them was something i did not want to face.

This was round one, and my mother survived, i survived and my relationship survived. round 2 was an entirely different beast, as I was forced to face the dark side of dependence one that left my father without anything to live for. one that left me feeling more vulnerable than I ever had.

When my mother actually did die the 45 years her and my father had spend relying on each other for support of course came to crashing halt. as I mentioned before I realized how much I had also depended on her to be my savior from life’s uncomfortable trials and truths. but it was my fathers predicament that i think really effected my outlook. ultimately it wasn’t the anger and depression and all those stages of grief we go through, but the reality that he had nothing left, not just the feeling of it, but he had no world that was not intertwined with her. nothing he enjoyed doing, no income, no reason to get up in the morning or even go to bed at night. since my mother had retired 2 years before her death they had spent everyday together doing little projects and entertaining each other. in many peoples romantic ideal this sounds like a dream. 2 people so in love that when they have time they spend every moment just being together….. but what happens after? when everything you’ve built your life around is all of a sudden gone? when you shell is old and broken, your vision fading , your brain slowing, but your body is refuses to die, and you are alone without purpose?

he sits and he drinks. he stares at walls and sometimes at the tv. he survives physically because of her pension and because he has me. when he has no money for food or shelter he can come here and i will provide. but as he says (and i believe him) he has nothing to live for…. lets be honest with ourselves, family does not need you in the same way your lover does. they don’t provide what you need the same way, of course…. they have their own lives and you want them to. one day you will die and they will go on without you. it’s the way its supposed to be. the bond is entirely different; one is a bond of choice the other a bond of inherited circumstance. you found someone you really wanted to be with and then others came, sometimes unexpectedly and are now part of it even if they aren’t someone you would have given the time of day to in other situations (you love them but don’t necessarily  like them). there is obligation and responsibility holding that bond together, and if you are lucky love, but it is a love of duty, not of passion and compatibility.

Ultimately i think that scares me more than dying like my mother…. living without any meaning, without any enjoyment. with nothing to do and no feeling of connection to anything. worse than dying alone is living without reason.

You see them everywhere the victims of dependence. the leftovers so crippled and purposeless unable to do anything besides sit in coffee shops or bingo halls, existing because they don’t know what else to do.

My father fully admits he is to cowardly to take his own life, even though all he’s doing is waiting for death… waiting for death, the line is long, grey broken bodies stretching into the sunset just waiting… hoping…. wishing… for death….. and this is what we have to look forward to in our state of dependency? who will be the lucky one that gets out first, leaving their zombie partner rattling the gates begging to get the fuck out….

I remember my grandmother saying to me during a visit she wished she’d just die, she meant it too. much like my father she had been left by my grandfather without any meaning or purpose. and even a decade after his death there was no joy left in her eyes, no meaning to anything she was simply waiting in line….

This scares the shit out of me. i was becoming one of them. i hated my job even though i desperately needed it, still do on both accounts, but i was doing it and leaving myself nothing else. i had my kid and the man i loved and a few mediocre hobbies but i was only really living for my relationships, that was all i loved. everything else in my life was somewhat meaningless. and i’m watching my father sit in his chair staring at the wall.. and i’m thinking why doesn’t he do something he enjoys? but he hadn’t left himself anything. he only had her and nothing had meaning without her.

So here i am today, regretting my decision to be alone but knowing i needed to prove to myself that i can be alone, without the love that was giving my life meaning, and still find something to live for. fearing the type of dependence that has left my father lifeless.

maybe i would be the lucky one and win the race to the finish line. both my grandfather and my mother were dead by the age of 62, I think my great grandfather on my mothers side was as well. so genetically i may have a 50% chance of being the lucky one and getting out first but if I’m not ,I want to be living until the last drop, because I want to, not because i just wont die. perhaps if i am unfortunate enough to make it to simply existing, i will have the courage to take my own life. but it seems to me not many people have that courage. and i’m still here even though i have been through some serious bouts of depression. so in all likelihood my nerve would shrink away, and all that talk of taking myself out would be so much meaningless bravado as it was with my father.

I have found something here inside myself. I know I can physically survive. i have enough money and even those things i fear, like how will i shovel the driveway when it snows, have been put to rest. because guess what I can still pick up a shovel… my back has grown strong with all the boxes i’ve been lifting at work. i am not dependent on others for day to day living, that makes me feel confident. I have taken up painting again more earnestly than i did before and even though i now require reading glasses to see the brushstrokes accurately. i have gotten much better and my work is selling, i can’t keep up with demand. if I had more time I could possibly take it to the point i could survive comfortably on my creations. of course more important than all the physical reassurance and new found confidence in my abilities, is knowing I have something that i love independent of any other monkey, something that could and does bring meaning to my life no matter how alone I am.

There were so many factors that figured in my ending my relationship but fear of dependence played a bigger part than i think i realized until recently. and though all the pain and regret i think I have to look at myself and see that it was an important journey i have been on, even if it was started for the wrong reasons out of fear anger and reactionism. I wish I had been more level headed and done it in a way that hadn’t broken someones trust and caused so much pain. had i been more rational and had a greater understanding of what was driving my actions, I would have done better. but who i am now, or rather who i am becoming, what i have learned, and come to understand are so important to how i will live the rest of my life. and hopefully my own happiness, a happiness i am finally finding inside myself…. with or without the love of my life standing beside me, I will live because life is worth living for me…. Thank you mom.